Theostophnes Frederick



Pre-Sanditon History
Theostophnes is a liar and you shouldn't believe a word of what he says about his history.

That said, he claims to be from the Fae Realms, and is a ShadowMark by trade. What exactly this occupation entails is vaguely ominous. And though no confirmed deaths have been connected to his name, he recieved petitions from disgruntled Sanditonians about offing other citizens.

He was ejected from the Realm and into the human world at the time and space of Sanditon, California in August 2012.

Whether this was as punishment for undisclosed crimes committed in the realms, or merely a cover to spy on rumors of Pemberley Digital's Domino project's beta testing in the small is also ill defined.

There are hints that he was possessed of an otherworldly entity, called the Faemon, though whether this supernatural contraction took place before or after his ejection is also unclear.

He has a sister, Isulraine Frederick, agent of Faery Emissary, Ambassador, & Reconaissance division. She is in better graces with the Fae Council, which governs the factions in the Realm.

Introduction to Sanditon
Theostophnes first recorded sighting took place in a graveyard. Why he was there was also never disclosed. Probably because he was an insensitive alien who derived sick pleasure from mocking convention. He was seen by Hazelle Evans, who was indignant at his behavior. Jabez Falconir, the local mortician, clarified that Theo was not acting under his instructions.

As there was a population imbalance skewing to an undersupply of males, his nocturnal appearance caused a stir for his attention between Hazelle, SCA Journalist, & Alli Newell. As he was a supremely insensitive asshat with a predilection for speaking snarkasm, the trio was soon more occupied with deciphering the meaning of his messages on his twitter blog than they were about him personally. After concluding he was flirting with them all, SCA journalist asked him out to a bar. When Theostophnes revealed that he was the human equivalent of 19 years old, she lost interest as he was no longer an eligible drinking buddy. Also, since he didn't have a car, he had offered to pogo stick over to her house with a radio flyer wagon. That transportation did not appeal to her. Hazelle was a lesbian, so she took this revelation in stride, though remained bemused that he saw fit to flirt with her.

Theostophnes took up a position at Sanditon Books, the ninety-second such venture in the small town. This part time job did not last for long, because the bookstore quietly issued chapter 11 as their final act, becoming the 86th to retell that particular tale.

Eventually, despite his personality, he began to make friends in the town. Rosie Baker was also 19, and was kind to him. This did not go unrecognized, when Theo declared her a Queen, and swore to attend her as a knight. This habit of his for naming people and things was curious in its success rate of redefining the object. Whether this is a remnant of a Namer's heritage passively influencing others' titles, or just dumb luck is debatable.

Hazelle Evans and Theo talked often, and he learned that she was a twenty-something a

doptive mother to teenage Aria, and she had a second 4 year old child, Vi, who lived with her ex in New York. He was unpreturbed about this situation, and volunteered to instruct Vi in subversive military tactics and lock-picking. Theostophnes became an honorary uncle to the Evans family, and was subsequently and relentlessly shipped by Aria to be a match for her mother. Theostophnes dismissed these overtures as balderdash, as Hazelle was into women, not a teenage, philosophic punk. With many aside snide comments and B-side TIMJ mixes, Theo maintained that he was chill with how things were. One source of continual conflict was the fact that his foreshortened first name could be confused with Theo Martin, who had his own share of relationship drama.

On a trip to Baker's hometown of Chimichanga, Virginia, a freak phenomenon tied Theostophnes, Queen Rosie Baker, Lily "Pad the mermaiden" August, hometown teen songstress prodigy Isabelle Collins, and the local Bueno Nacho into a collective hive mind. The benefits were largely exploited by Baker and August, who rerouted their bladder, bowel, & lady obligations into Izzy and Theostophnes. While Lily and

Rosie kicked back complementary cocktails, soda, and chicken nugget platters, Theo and Izzy spent the larger portion of the flight in relief duties. The effect on the Bueno Nacho branch is lost to history due to the difficulty of reaching it for an interview.

Chimichanga, home of the original Naco and historic Beer Lake, was otherwise enjoyable. It was there that the group met Rosie's family, Eldarion and Rohan Baker. Arwen stopped by briefly, but Rosie said something about how she only needed one mother at a time, cutting short the older sister's visit.

Sanditon Ohana
Lily christened the hive-mind affected as "Sanditon Ohana" in reference to the shared history documented in Disney Studios' productions. Rosie had only recently gotten her story adapted for the screen, Tangled. Lily was originally a mermaid, but for contractual reasons and anonymity, the studio agreed to call the character "Ariel." Bueno Nacho was featured in the tv series, Kim Possible. The original restaurant in Chimichanga had to open a gift shop to cater to the tourist streams attracted from that. Isabelle was humble about her role in the Disney canon, but Theostophnes more than compensated. He claimed tha

t his life story was so interesting and full of accomplishments, Disney had to split it into multiple animated films so that audiences would be able to sit through them in single periods and understand the plot lines. First, was Hercules, because Theostophnes had been a hero of godlike prowess in his youth. Then was Lilo & Stitch, in which his Realmwalking had earned him a family in another world. Lastly was Monsters Inc., Theo's storied past with tutoring younger beings was chronicled in the form of Mike Wazowski.

Basically, they are the best of friends and a family tied together with love for movies

, food, singing, and each other. Lily and Rosie were responsible for upholding and promoting such Sanditon traditions as Twister Tuesday, Disney Double Date Wednesday, and Karaoke 24/7 initiative.

Twister Tuesday
Is like a public travelling card game in that the rules and location of the community wide party game is liable to change on short notice. It had humble beginnings, with everyone bringing their neglected and forgotten Twister mats for a beach party theme one tuesday night. The party was so successful, that Allemonde Bennet, Rosie, and Lily began to twitter about the untapped potential of bringing Twister into the modern age. It wasn't just going to be a game about rotating your hips into knots, the game

itself had to be so hip that the townspeople would trip over themselves in knots in order to make it every tuesday. Rosie, Lily, and Ally each agreed to reveal their grand ideas at the same time. "Glitter!" Rosie shouted. "In the water!" Lily yelled. "Blood." Ally shrieked. There was a pause as the three looked at each other. Then they all said, "Why not do all three?"

And so the infamous Sea Twister event happened. Those who survived debated over who actually won that fateful match, but the general consensus was that the real winners were those who were able to stay there the whole night. It was a sight not easily forgotten.

Disney Double Date
Also known as DDD, Lily and Rosie have house parties every Wednesday night to watch Disney films, livetweeting and binge eating the night away. And they invited their boyfriends over beca

use they needed two more d's to make their night complete. When they feel especially adventurous, they order doughnuts so that there are even more d-items present in the house.

If there are two words used to describe this night, they are Alliteration and Animation.

Karaoke 24/7 Initiative
Rosie and Lily both identify heavily with musical movies and animated personalities. So they do there best to make the real world more like their favorite films by singing and dancing spontaneously throughout the day. As they are likely to say, "We didn't choose that Thun Thun Thun life. It chose us."

Most commonly cited songs are by Hannah Montana, Jonas Bros, and One Direction.

There are more artists represented and replicated, but why would you read this dumb article if you could be singing and dancing? C'mon amirite?

Sanditon Roots
Theo walked away from town after the first month, but after being attacked by Fairy Vampires in the woods and falling from a cliff into a tree, he was thought pronounced dead on the scene by mortician Jabez Falconir, the county coroner. The coroner saw a shadow and was summarily k

nocked unconcious, waking to find the medical team similarly cold and a blood covered Theostophnes excitedly telling about an epic battle with the returning vampires, how a pair of brothers in an old chevy impala helped support him in holding the creatures off.

Jabez was suspicious, but gave the happily babbling teenager a ride back into town in his truck. Soon after this, Theo had an internal struggle with his inner demon, who talked like Yoda. Ultimately, his friends were able to settle Theostophnes down, and the demon departed. The town had a masquerade ball and Theo was asked out by Hazelle. He accepted and wore whatever he found lying, as well as the weird staff that he insisted on carrying everywhere as his totem.

Hazelle went to visit her mother in New York, and Theo agreed to come along for company. Her mother also believed that Theo was intending to wed her daughter. This, among other tensions, made the two decide to take separate paths home back to California. Theo took to the roads while Hazelle returned to the air. In Indiana, Theo met Joseph Raphael, an Evansville graduate student librarian who agreed to drive him the rest of the way during a break in job and school. Theo promised to make it worth his while, and they later became mustache buddies.

Theostophnes arrived in Sanditon, and approached Hazelle, asking what her thoughts on what their future relationship should be, as it was currently in an awkward state of limbo. After their time apart, they agreed to date, although Hazelle was pregnant with twins fertilized from a sperm bank. Through a turn of events, it was revealed that Theo was the donor, although he had been in poor shape at the time of donation so did not recall doing such a thing.

They got married and continued their happy bizarre life. The twins were born, Azzie and Maddox, and manifested unusual development and coordination for their age. Theo was distraught, wondering if it was due to his otherworldly nature or Hazelle's time as a Time Lady in the TARDIS. He returned to the Fae Realm, accompanied by Elizabeth, codenamed "EJ2H" or "Questioning Owl Kid." The Council claimed no foul play on their end, but also were displeased that he had returned from exile. He faced his sister, Isulraine, in single competitive intellectual and physical prowess tests, and was defeated.

Isulraine took over Theo's twitter account and his physical possessions. She was no savage creep though and did not impose to lay claim to his wife. Such contracts would be honored. Isulraine did request to see her infant niece and nephew in a private audience, which was granted. Her presence ran afoul of the Sanditon Mafia, a group which respected Theostophnes as a friend and ally. Her defiant refusal to cooperate with their requests to bring about Theo's release was not tactful. As this is reminiscent of the subject of this article, that trait may be familiar or culturally instilled. Elizabeth was not harmed in the Fae Realms as she petitioned for Theo's release, but was treated as a guest and afforded hospitality.

The matter was eventually cleared up, the twins' abilities were not due to a malevolent influence. Although Maddox was given Dumbledore's beard, and the residual enchantment allowed him to turn Theo into a giant floating eyeball. That was inconvenient and disconcerting for all involved. Except perhaps the twins, who wouldn't stop laughing through toothless grins. Theo was not to remain an eyeball for long, and soon was transformed into a battered copy of J.D. Salinger's Nine Stories. Hazelle promised to love him no matter what he looked like.

Once he reverted back to his more or less normal state, Theostophnes declared it was high time for a surprise family vacation to space. So he rigged up the house with engines using the theories and practices of Canadian television handyman, Red Green. After running into the Guardians of the Galaxy, Maddox and Rocket Raccoon stole Hazelle's TARDIS to have adventures of their own. Theo encountered an unexpected and inexplicable patch of spacial turbulence. Telling his family and friends he loved them via his twitter account routed through the rocket-house's jury rigged wifi, he jumped into the void to seal the pocket dimension from stealing his family too.